Part 28: Episode XXVIII: Patrick’s Vine

Episode XXVIII: Patrick’s Vine



OK... So we’re technically not in The Tower yet. We’ve still got some busy work to get there. But we’re close to the final area. If we walk forward from the blown up entrance to the Sanctuary, we find...



This casket seems like it has been moved at some point. The trio pushing it out of the way is out of the question and we’ve already played our explosive trump card. The only bottle in all of Wales that can hold acid has been destroyed, after all. So obviously, there will be some convoluted unlocking mechanism that will push this obstacle out of our way. Unlike that literal gate no different from any other door that just had to be blown to bits.



Perhaps there are some answers further up in the area. But before we explore that, let’s take a quick peak at the edge of this giant ominous plant growth emanating from a sinister ass looking tower.



Looking beyond the stained glass, you see a sheer cliff rising from the ocean.



Don’t ask me how you can see a sheer cliff edge past a massive gap out some window on the back end of the area. Or anything about the Tree of Life. Just roll with it as we climb upstairs...



You think Patrick would have mentioned the six story tall plant that started growing in the back of the monastery at some point during his notes. I feel like that’d be important to document in-between all the victim butchering and lamenting about the only woman he ever scored with almost two decades ago. That man had peculiar priorities...





At the top of the staircase we find a pipe organ. Naturally, this must be connected to that mysterious sliding casket below. So let’s start jamming on it and praying for the best.



It looks like there are only four keys that can be pressed; the runes on these keys read: People, Secret, Pain, and Light.

If you say so, narrator. Don’t ask me how this was deduced. But here we have the final puzzle of the game. In true Koudelka fashion, there are no hints present in this room whatsoever as to the order of the keys that must be pressed.



That’s because we received the hint to completing this puzzle like eight hours ago back early in Disc 2. Remember that stuffed bear Koudelka tore open and found an Old Letter in a couple rooms before Edward straight smoked that thief dude? Yeah, that was the hint for this puzzle. And by “hint” I mean it is literally the solution.



Finally the rare Koudelka gameplay synthesis of key items acquired hours and hours beforehand alongside a puzzle with its solution immediately dumped in the player’s laps. Secret-Pain-People-Light.





As if there was any doubt, the casket slides aside giving way to a hidden passage beneath the Sanctuary. Granted, the game gives no indication this happened and it’s very easy not to notice you can click on stairs right after the entrance and walk up to this coffin in the first place. But details...





Oh good, Edward has reacquired his FMV Lantern. We need some mood lighting for the discovery down in the depths...





Hey, Patrick. How’s it hanging? You really fucked this whole thing up, huh? Like tremendously so in every conceivable way AND you managed to get killed in the process. I guess those proto-Umbrella Incorporated remarks were not unfounded.



<shakes head> Patrick... Poor Patrick...
<hic> Who the hell is Patrick!?
<deep sigh> ...Are you serious right now?
It was the guy responsible for all of this.
<quizzical look>
Elaine’s husband...?
...Who?
The ghost lady.
Oh... that shitty kid!? Gross!
No... Edward, the OTHER ghost woman...
Ohhhhhh! Right. So we gottasta kill this guy, eh?
He is already dead, Edward.
All right! Job’s done. <takes a flask swig>
Lord give me strength...
OK. We really need to sober you up before continuing this.
Agreed...
Tch. I can shtop any time I wants! <belches>





OK. Fine... It’s been like an hour. I ran out. I’m sober now...
You said that as soon as you ran out of liquor and then immediately proceeded to trip and vomit on James’s shoes.
<glares> Indeed.
Yeah, well I am REALLY sobered up now. So are we just going to sit here all night, or...? Come to think of it, how is it NOT morning yet!? It was sundown like thirteen hours ago...



After chilling out for a bit, James O’Flaherty comes to a decision...



The contents of this canister is an old timey term for alkane, a flammable, whitish, translucent, waxy solid consisting of a mixture of saturated hydrocarbons, obtained by distillation from petroleum or shale and used in candles, cosmetics, polishes, and sealing and waterproofing compounds. Also it’s spelled “paraffin” with two Fs. Patrick Heyworth – good (questionable) at science. Shit at spelling. Deplorable at ethics.





Hey, what are you doing...? What’s that—no, DON’T!
I said I’d finally sobered up and now you’re gonna break out the moonshine. Which way do you want it, old man!?
That is not what this is...



I’m not asking for your help. This is my problem. None of you need to die with me here.



Yeah... So, Koudelka. Have you found another way out of this crazy place yet?
Cannot say I have.
So...



There is no option for Edward and Koudelka to bail. There is, however, one final chance to go explore Nemeton Monastery one final time to go grind for items, finish off the Gargoyle if you hadn’t yet or... Well, that’s kind of it. But we’ve done all there is to do of note, so no worry of that.



Clicking on the Cauldron of Life is the definitive POINT OF NO RETURN locking us into the endgame. Seems we’ve decided it’s definitely got to be fire that sorts this whole thing out. It’s a big ol’ tree. They HATE fire, right?



Are you sure?



I-I’m not sure what to take from those looks.
Hungover and wishing this night was over.
Same.



Let’s proceed.



Saint Daniel Scotius, protect us from these evil spirits and grant us inner strength!



Amen! <drops the arm into the cauldron>



And so James casts the mummified arm of the fictional sainted brother of a 9th century Irish philosopher poet into the depths of the Cauldron of Life. The same arm that was encased in a statue of the same man in question and we only acquired because a random thief armed with a gun decided shooting down a chandelier was the best use of his firearm to murder intruders.





So remember kids, if you ever find a severed limb, no matter how ancient and decaying, you best shove that immediately into your backpack and hold onto it for safe keeping. You never know if it might be imbued with holy power. Note: This advice only applies to Wales. In most other cases carrying around a human limb is highly frowned upon and probably some degree of a crime.





The Tree of Life HATES Daniel’s Arm. Sure, the guy was a saint and this is some unholy abomination of science, magic and Welsh malice. But more pressingly, that was Daniel Scotius’s masturbating arm and that’s an intensely fucked up thing to toss into a homunculi creation kit.





The gang didn’t think too far ahead about a bunch of tree sized vines thrashing about and how that might make escape from the church sanctuary a wee bit difficult. But look on the bright side: at least James didn’t set the place on fire while they were still in it as well. This could have been way worse!



In its thrashing, one of the vines smashes open a stained glass window in the back of the sanctuary. OK, we just need to wait for it to smash one of ‘em on the sides so we can climb out there and not be trapped on the backend cliff side of the mona—



Go!



Oh, we’re just going to run back there anyway? We’re just going to forget that was a dead end with only a dive off a cliff...?





Welp... OK. I guess they can just walk around the edge to escape and it’s fine. Just so long as nobody does anything rash.



Thou who were created and born out of dust...



...now go quietly and return to thy MAKER! <chucks lantern>





Ah, fuck... I can’t believe you’ve done this. James, we’ve still got to climb the tower you just set on fire. You were just eager to smite some shit, weren’t you? Fess up! Why did it even explode like that? You only poured some kerosene in the basement.



In any case, welcome to the final area of the game -- The Clock Tower. Tossing Daniel’s Arm into the cauldron was the point of no return because the way back is literally on fire.



So the only way up is climbing the rickety wooden scaffolding around the perimeter of the tower. Remember back in Daniel’s journal, he mentioned he and Ogden were working on repairing the tower for... some reason. I guess to make it look like he was doing something besides murdering peasants and jacking ancient documents from the Vatican for the last 18 years if he did succeed in resurrecting Elaine. Seems they didn’t get too far.

Nor do we, for that matter. As soon as we make it across the first wooden walkway, we face...


Music: Incantation Again



Vines! Seems the Tree of Life is none too happy about James tossing holy relics in its drinking water and setting it on fire. Three vines, in fact. All of which come sporting 5329 HP.





That said, it’s just some frikkin’ vines. They’re not a big deal... even if they are able to somehow move about the grid. The vines all got together decided their biggest beef is with Edward, the punching idiot that didn’t do anything. Not James, who actively set them on fire to begin with, or Koudelka...





...who is now currently setting the vines on fire. And look, the vines were kind enough to line up in a row so she could roast them all at once. How thoughtful.

Music: ENDS





From here on out the game starts giving Idols out like candy. The Vines mini-boss also gave us another Agility Idol on top of these two. I suppose it’s nice they made a point of no return and an easy way to boost stats if the player were somehow vastly under-leveled but made it to this point. All told this LP’s playthrough has maybe done 90 minutes of additional grinding outside just fighting everything that came our way. It’s kind of hard not to be a powerhouse by the end.





That aside, we can now continue our increasingly ill-advised ascent to the top of the tower. This isn’t even the fire doing any of this. This was just plain shoddy workmanship at play with these scaffolds. Patrick couldn’t do a goddamn thing right with his life, could he? I’m glad he’s dead and gone.



There are still random battles on the way up the clock tower. Particularly, the Giant has a vine textured cousin stomping around here. These guys are noteworthy because they drop a guaranteed random Idol when slain. But we got an interesting final weapon drop out of one of these guys. Well... at least it dropped while fighting a mob including ‘em. It could be the weird spiky sphere dude that coughed it up for all I know...



A magical girl rod! Delightful! The Rod grants +9 Intelligence, PIE and Mind. It’s all fitting that James is granted this divine gift for the final stretch of the game.



Speaking of weapons, we’re just going to go ahead and give Edward the Lifedrinker sword here for a time. This is the one that steals HP on every strike in addition to probably being the third strongest sword in the game. It might make our lives somewhat easier.



For you see, once we reach the fourth floor of the tower, it’s time for yet another boss battle against a familiar foe...


Music: Incantation Again



The Vine is back and it’s still quite upset we’ve set the Tree of Life on fire. But that’s not all. This time it’s brought a celebrity guest star to accompany it.



Patrick’s Vine! The corpse of Patrick has been ensnared in a vine. It’s not like Mr. Heyworth has come back as some grim plant-zombie hybrid. It’s literally just his ragdolled corpse flopping around caught up in an angry vine. Nevertheless, this somehow has near doubled its health to 10201 HP and upped its attack power.



Patrick’s Vine has the same tentacle swipes as its predecessor. Only this time it strikes multiple times for 1500+ damage and guaranteed poisoning. That is... if we didn’t have Edward up front with a magical sword that just negated physical damage from a jobber like this.





Boy, Patrick. You really couldn’t do anything right. Even providing a boss fight worth bothering any sort of strategy on beyond hit with swords and set on fire.





It’s not even worth it to use buffs for either of these Vine battles, so we just had James contribute with some spells. He’s still Level 1 at everything but he’s got enough magic stats that even that does decent damage. And fittingly he struck the killing blow to this utter dipshit fuck-up of a... college acquaintance he hadn’t spoken to for twenty years...? That’s not exactly what I’d call an active friend, personally.



Rest in Piss, Patrick Heyworth. You were just... the worst... No redeeming qualities. It’s actively good and cool you’re double plus dead now. But now that he’s finished, nothing is stopping us from reaching Elaine now. Tune in next time for the first “ending” of Koudelka. Pfft... Who needs a stupid Pendant anyway?






Video: Episode 28 Highlight Reel (You should probably watch at least the beginning of this.)





Nemeton Monastery Concept Art – Yep... Done is lousy with that there Tree of Life infestation, I'll tell ya what.